Tolerance, Empathy, and Agression

I was really hoping my next post wouldn't be a rant and vent.... however it seems that is when I write the most- when I get so caught up in my head that thoughts, problems, conflicts, solutions and feelings intermingle so much that I shut down to the outside world in order to feed the majority of my energy into my mind. Tonight, it's mainly parenting frustrations that I need to spew out because leaving them in my head wouldn't solve a thing. Once I get them out, separating the problems from the solutions and the feelings from the knowledge becomes easier.

I guess the inner, unacknowledged and hidden frustrations started when my son became conflicted over which parent's house to have his birthday party at. Up to now, I've generally thrown the "party" although his dad usually does a birthday dinner and cake ritual with them. Well I guess this year his dad offered to his son to have the party at his house after Scottie and I had already decided on a slumber party Bionacle theme. Scottie is a very sensitive and aware person. He came to the conclusion that committing to a party at one parent's house would disappoint the other parent. Of course his first solution was that he would just have two parties, one at each house, thereby avoiding any disappointment or awkward situations. I explained he could only have one party and that neither his father nor I would be mad at him for his decision. ... that's where the feeling started in me... I was so jealous that he could possibly want it at his dad's... I was angry that his father had put a seven year old in that position instead of just talking to me about plans for his birthday, I was irritated that I hadn't thought to talk to his dad as well, I was sad that my life had come to having to split up my children and unintentionally cause one of them to become upset at the thought of one of his parents being sad about where he had his party... sigh.

Well that festered in me for some time. Outwardly I handled the situation with my son and let him know that whichever he picked, I would love him always and would be at the party regardless of where it was.... inwardly I brooded. It changed my outlook on the rest of the day, my tolerance went to an abnormal low, my patience didn't exist. Even my kickboxing class seemed habitual and unproductive- just me going through the motions and not pushing myself.

This sparked the realization that there was some deep conflict in me regarding parenting. Despite today's abnormally low tolerance level, I realized I don't have that high of a tolerance level as it is... I just have the ability to put on a mask that says I am. I can't stand ignorance. I despise selfishness. I have no room for lack of common sense and I grind my teeth around stupidity. Being an empath doesn't help either because I can see through other people's mask, especially my children's, and see the true nature of their actions, comments, or words. Again, I've gotten good at hiding that inner knowledge and putting up the obligatory response to most situations. And the only reason I've become so well trained in that practice is because I also carry a bad case of passive-aggressiveness. Instead of putting people on the spot or calling out their true colors, it's much easier (and avoids the conflict I so cowardly shy away from) if I just take the manure they are shoveling in my direction. But the irritation, despise, disgust and contempt remains somewhere inside, causing an all too familiar feeling of unease, unrest, and turmoil eventually erupting somewhere within my life, usually where my comfort zones are- family, friends, and coworkers. (Which is probably why taking MMA and kickboxing is a good thing, it gives me an outlet.)

What ultimately ends up throwing the wrench in these gears is the realization that I can't, or shouldn't, get mad at someone for the lack of knowledge needed to know HOW to act in an acceptable and mature manner.... for example: Getting mad at my son for not offering up the more preferred option (like shotgun in the car) to his guest. Or at my daughter when she decides sitting next to two boys playing an active game on the Wii while she "draws" is a good idea and then throws a temper tantrum when she inevitably gets elbowed in the chest. Or at my youngest for saying "can I have some juice, can I have some juice, can I have some juice, can I have some juice, can I have some juice" over and over until I loose it.

My infuriation at these situations (and those are just one example per kid...) only hold up a mirror in my face. HOW are they supposed to know the correct response in these situations MOM??? How is a seven year old supposed to learn proper etiquette while hosting a friend? How is a six year old supposed to learn how to make decisions based on weighing the pros and cons of the situation at hand? How is a four year old supposed to learn how to politely ask somebody for something? Again with the mirror... dang it. Again with the realization that I can't really get internally MAD at them for not knowing something I myself have been given the responsibility of teaching them.

And that realization, that mirror, it only causes more angst and suffering in my head. I'm not doing a good enough job, I'm not properly responding and retraining during these instances. On days when my tolerance and patience level is at a critical level, my ability to respond and react to my children becomes pathetically dissipated.

I guess realization and acceptance of the deep causes of issues is the first step to correcting them right? And since I've pretty much laid a good foundation for discovering some inner issues at bay here, I will sign off. I promised myself I would only stay on the computer until 11 which gives me eight minutes to wrap this up and send it out.

I'll leave on this note: I've realized that even in a "job" you love, there are some days where you wonder what life would be like had you accepted a different position... so I just tell myself to remember the days where I love my "job" and I submit to the fact that I chose this job and I was handpicked for this position. I may not get a very clear job description or any guaranteed benefits or perks, but the ultimate reward is priceless and I supervise the three most promising newcomers there are, and my boss.... well He's a bit mysterious and elusive at times, but He promises me that if I just have a little faith, He'll make it all worth it in the long run. (Oh, and He tells me that each time I get promoted, some of the mysteries are revealed and so far I've known that to be the truth.) He is faithful and true, full of grace, mercy and forgiveness. (thank goodness or I would be fired...) I may not have a clear job description and I'm definitely not on any kind of salary based pay... but He always makes sure I have what I need to do my job.

God Bless you all, especially you parents- our job is the hardest and the greatest. Keep it up and don't be afraid to raise the child you wish other adults would have been.

-T