I haven't sat down to write my thoughts on paper in a long time. I keep telling myself I should, it used to be a really good release for me. Well the events of today made me literally collapse and write them down.
Today has been a particularly trying day. I tried to get up and be motivated and productive, even made myself run errands so I couldn't habitually opt for sitting on the couch for hours before I got moving. It started as a hopeful day as I was waiting to hear if I was approved for a rental I applied for and there was the added bonus of the possibility of seeing Chad today. I decided to clean/pack while I was waiting for the call from the realtor.
Mid-day I found out I wasn't approved for the house and then found out my plans to see Chad weren't possible today. I was frustrated. Why can't I just get a break? I'm so tired, a bit apathetic, a lot irritated, and a tad angry. I'm sick of being here, I want to move on, to stop living in this limbo state of not knowing, of reliving tragedy and loss over and over... Please Lord move me, make this all stop and go away..........
Then I got some very uplifting texts from Chad, encouraging words he felt led to tell me: God has to say no sometimes, just like I have to tell my own children no sometimes. (paraphrased) That made me feel good, God was trying to tell me something.
The breaking point today? I was packing stuff up in the living room; knick-knacks, pictures, books, etc. Some of the stuff was dad's that I had decided to keep; his Little League hat with all his pins in it, the banner that Little League had everyone sign in his honor when he passed away, his catcher's glove, and the cigar box of picture pins from all the years my siblings and I played. I started going through the books on his book shelf to see if I wanted to keep any. That's when I found his bible.
It is a plain black bible, the spine simply says "Holy Bible" and the front has our name "Toral" on it. Inside, the first few pages acknowledged it was my dad's bible, my mom had given it to him on January 1st, 1986 in hopes of a year led by Christ. Throughout the pages someone (I'm guessing by the hand written notes, my mom) had highlighted and underlined and made side notes.
Just writing this next paragraph has my heart racing and eyes welling up... I flipped through the pages deciding whether to keep it. I got to the back cover and tucked inside was a piece of paper folded in half, and then half again. My dad always used to type out his thoughts, much like I do, so I was curious to see what he had hidden in the back of his bible. I started to sit down as I unfolded it, ready to see what hidden thoughts my dad had.
That's when I fell the rest of the way into a sitting position in the middle of the living room... upon unfolding the paper, the first thing I read was:
"Hi Teens"
And the whole world stopped.... my dad always called me "Teens," especially when we were getting along or he was being as sentimental as my dad was known to be. The letter tucked in the back of my dad's bible was to me.... to me. He had written the letter a long time ago, when I was still with my kid's dad. A point in time when my dad and I weren't really getting along. I'm not sure if he ever gave me this letter because that period of time was filled with rebelion, insisted independence and resentment/anger towards my dad. He may have given it to me but I don't remember. Regardless, his words in the letter are so relevant to today, this time period, these current struggles and events:
"I know that you are very independent and like to do things your way, a lot like your dad."
"I know that you have a vision of how you would like things to be and how you think is best to get there, however some things just can't be how you want them to be and your way isn't necessarily going to work."
"Anyway, what I'm hoping to get across is that things will work out better (not perfect) in the long run...."
Ever get the feeling God is trying to tell you something??? How about when He SCREAMS it at you? Will I listen now? How can I ignore Him after this? Enough hiding, enough anger, frustration, pity, weakness. My Father is the king of kings and says I can do anything through Him, anything.
Tomorrow I'm going to church to worship my Father and acknowledge His grace and mercy, ask Him to take the wheel once again. But right now? Right now I'm going to allow myself to put everything on the table and spend some time with my Father in Heaven remebering my daddy in Heaven.
